A Little on Bonding and Depression

One of my big fears, and most moms', was that I wouldn't bond with Maverick because how could I ever love someone as much as Lincoln?

When Maverick was born I was overwhelmed with complete love. The three years of falling more in love with Lincoln every day was immediately felt for Maverick. I didn't need "time" to have my love for him match the love for Lincoln. The second night in the hospital, while Scott was at home with Lincoln, I held Maverick and began crying. I immediately began praying to my Heavenly Father. I thanked him repeatedly for sending me my precious gift, for trusting me as a mom and loving me so much that he would let me raise one of his children. I still thank him throughout the day for sending Maverick to our home where I know he will be loved and cared for. The next week after having Maverick I was on cloud nine. I kept thinking, "this is what life is about, this is what matters" and it was the first time, in months, where I wasn't thinking about bills or the worldly things I wanted.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I began to get depressed. Depression is something I never have and this monster was so new to me that I knew it was not normal. I've definitely felt "depressed" in my life but this was not situational, it was the real deal. I would cry all the time and overreact to the smallest things. I kept telling Scott I was depressed but I never did anything about it. I never blogged about it, never told my doctor and definitely never told friends or family because I was completely embarassed by it. I've always believed you could overcome sad feelings if you had the right attitude but I couldn't shake these feelings! In my mind I was a failure!

As I was dealing with depression, I became terrified that I would get post-partum depression and not bond with my baby or even worse, hurt my baby! I was positive I would fall into worse depression after having Maverick.

To my complete amazement, the exact opposite happened. Instead of depression, I felt positively joyous! Bonding was not even a thought, it was instant and natural. All those "sad feelings" vanished and I stopped crying (except when I was so constipated my insides were ripping apart!). I wish I would have talked more honestly on this blog, but I was too worried about people judging me. Having Maverick was the best thing to happen to me, I suddenly felt that I was "good enough" and that God did love me and knew I was a good person and a good mom. It's amazing what depression can do to your self-esteem! If you are suffering from depression, I urge you to speak to your doctor. I wish I would have, even if it was just for an understanding ear, it would have helped. Pregnancy hormones DO exist and they also go away.

Maverick is such a blessing and I know he came at the perfect time for our family. Every single time I look at him, my entire heart swells. I can't get enough of him!

Why did God bless me with two beautiful boys?
I guess I will never know, but I will trust his judgment.

4 Weeks Post-Pregnancy

4 Weeks Post Pregnancy

Today I stepped on the scale and I lost 2 pounds! Yay! I haven't ever mentioned my weight on here yet, but I want to be 100% open about my goals. Today I weighed 125, and that is a completely healthy weight, but for me to look and feel my best I want to weigh 115. So that leaves me 10 pounds to lose!

The last ten pounds are the hardest and I know that I will have to work to reach my goal. This last week I managed to lose 2 pounds, despite my random craving for homemade donuts. Lincoln and I fried up two dozen donuts and consumed them over three days. They were delicious! Even with that complete glutten failure, I cut back on overeating the rest of the week. Add that with breastfeeding and I lost two pounds.

Diet Goals: This week I am going to continue to keep it simple. I want to listen to my body and not eat second servings or starve myself for hours. I find eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full does a lot more for me than counting calories. I hate counting calories! Hate it!

And for exercising.....
These past few days as I packed up the kids and went to the movies,scrubbed my house, blogged, wrestled Lincoln and cooked, I realized I felt like a "normal" mom. I wasn't dragging myself out of bed or popping movies in hoping for a quick nap, I wasn't worried about Maverick napping or wondering how much he was eating or when he last ate, I wasn't looking at loads of pooped on clothes or wondering when I was gonna shave my legs. I was living life the same as before I had Maverick or even before I got pregnant. The only difference was I now have one more baby to love and a lot more to do, but overall I am just being a normal mom with normal mom routines. As I was thinking about this, I decided it was time to start running.

I went for a twenty minute jog and probably did a shy short of two miles. I was surprised I even could run that far! It definitely worked me. How do I know it worked me? Well in the beginning I kept fixing my pony tail and adjusting my posture so I looked somewhat presentable for passing cars. At the end I was hunched over, my hair all over the place and my arms were swinging wherever the wind blew them while my hands repeatedly smacked myself in the chest. As cars drove by, probably laughing and pointing, I was darn proud of myself for running so hard I was literally falling apart. It felt good. Actually, it felt great!

Exercise goals this week:
Run two days
Work abs and arms two days
Work legs and butt two days

I'll post the workouts later when I do them.

I also will do better before photos. I want to really see the results in my arms, abs and legs. So not-so-sexy-photos are coming shortly.

Goals:
Diet
-Cut out hydrogenated oils
-Eliminate most processed foods
-Eat fruits and veggies daily

Exercise
-3 Months post pregnancy: Be running four times a week and five miles.

Three Weeks Post Pregnancy

Well baby is here and now I need to get my body back! So the blog continues on as my motivation to lose the weight and get in shape!

I gained 32 pounds throughout my pregnancy but only want to lose 27 pounds (because I am breastfeeding I need a little extra weight).

Anyways, when getting home from the hospital I stepped on the scale. Big mistake! I knew I shouldn't from experience with Lincoln, but I was just too curious.

Any guesses how much weight I lost after giving birth to at LEAST ten pounds of baby and other things?
Answer: Four pounds.
Yep four lousy pounds! Same thing happened with Lincoln. I was obviously swollen and retaining water (insert angry face).

One week went by and I was now down 14 pounds! It was coming off fast!

Two weeks went by and I was down 17 pounds and the weight loss was slowing down. My parents came and I ate like a pig!

When I stepped on the scale today, I was only down 15 pounds. I gained two pounds! Yep, I was definitely eating like a pig with the unrealistic belief that the weight would just keep coming off. I can assume all the baby and water weight has now fallen off and the remaining 12 pounds are gonna take some work.

With Lincoln I lost all of it, except five pounds, in one week. I believe I got cocky because over the next two months I GAINED ten pounds! Seriously Heather! I don't want that to happen.....again. I lost it all by five months, but it took an entire year to look the same as before. I was fortunate that my body only needed time and not work to lose the weight. I also lost an extra ten pounds! I think I looked darn good for being a mommy.

This time I want to lose it all by three months and plan on actually working towards that goal. By six months I want my body back.

Over the next three weeks I am going to focus on my diet until I can work out again. Hopefully I can lose a pound a week.

Then I am going to start working out and running. Those goals I will post later when the time comes.

I will report back here with my progress!

This is my before

My angel is totally worth the weight

38 Weeks Pregnant

Not much to report this week. I am obviously STILL pregnant and starting to get REALLY impatient. I want to meet my little boy NOW!!!!!! I think what helped keep me sane with Lincoln was having an induction date set. I don’t have one at all and I literally have no clue if I will go over or under my due date and girls go over their due dates 2 weeks sometimes! That would kill me! That is ten months of being pregnant and I have already done nine, no way could I do ten.

I have 10 days left until my due date on the 20th. That sounds like nothing but it definitely feels like for-ev-er. When I think about how I feel, I feel great. If I was only 34 weeks pregnant, I would be all happy with how easy this pregnancy is. But I am not 34 weeks, I am over 38 weeks and therefore I feel every ouch, pain and I am oversensitive to every single contraction that leads to nothing.

The only bad thing I am suffering from is still acid reflux, but as of lately it has gotten ten times worse. There hasn’t been a night that I don’t have my head in the toilet. I try not to eat past 4:00 because by the time ten rolls around my stomach has produced enough acid that I have to puke. It is awful and the last few times there has been streaks of blood in my puke from my throat being so raw.

But don’t you worry! This has definitely NOT slowed down my weight gain. I have gained 31 pounds and I am still packing on the pounds. This little guy better come out weighing ten pounds so I can feel like this weight is at least going somewhere!

Overall I feel amazing and as long as I am not thinking about labor, as if that ever happens, I don’t feel very pregnant at all.

Here I am 38 weeks pregnant and very swollen. My hands and feet have really swelled up these past couple of weeks……ugh! I am in a swimsuit so don’t judge me too much for looking like a beached whale! I dread pictures lately and want to hide from the camera so this literally might be the last pictures of me anyone sees. 

37 Weeks Pregnant

Can you say full-term? Yep, I am officially safe to have this baby! Does that mean I will have him? Uh, yeah, with my luck I will go OVER my due date. Having early babies in my family doesn't happen ever. It's not in our genes, but honestly most people don't. Between week 40 and 41 35% of girls have their babies. Between week 37 and 38, only 10% have their babies. In other words it very rarely happens, unless you are one of the lucky few.

Knowing this makes it slightly easier. I have to keep telling myself three weeks, three weeks, three weeks. And get out of my head, "maybe tonight".

However, everything is ready for baby. The bathroom is stocked with shampoo, soap and towells. His dresser has clothes, onesies, pajamas, socks and hats. His changing table has diapers, wipes, blankets and rash cream.

Everything is ready. Everything but my cervix. Gah! On Friday I had my appointment and in a week and a half I had dilated 1/2 a cm. I'm pretty sure he gave me that half to make me feel better too, so I basically haven't progressed AT ALL. So any hope of having this baby before the 20th is out the window.

But still, I only have 18 days left until my due date and that isn't very far at all.

As for how I feel, I feel good. I'm done being pregnant but I don't mind it either, I'm more excited to meet this little guy and starting to get impatient. It's bigger than Christmas though, so of course I'm getting impatient!

I have braxton hicks all the time and on Sunday I had them every two or three minutes and they hurt. I knew they weren't real because they were too close, way too fast and they never got more painful. After an hour they started to slow down and of course went away. If I didn't have them all the time, I would have thought I was in labor for sure. I also have been having awful period-like cramps that make me want to curl up in a ball. These of course are not accompanied by contractions, so again I know I'm not in labor.

Here I am slightly over 37 weeks pregnant and really hoping it's my last picture because I am feeling not so photogenic.

Actually this week is going to be fun because the sun is suppose to come out and we have fun plans for the fourth and this weekend. So baby can come next week!

36 Weeks Pregnant

A week late, but I wanted to write down stats from last week...

On Friday I went to have an ultrasound done to see if baby is still growing good. I was not surprised to find that he in fact is growing great! It was awesome to see his adorable face and chubby cheeks and hands. Yep, I could totally see my adorable little chunk with his thick hands. His head is down and facing right and he is completely squished in there. It was hard for her to measure every part of him because he is so crammed, and there was no way she could identify his "boy" parts, but thankfully I already have confirmed his manhood, not once but twice. When I left my appointment, I quickly looked up my 36 week blog post with Lincoln to make some comparisons between the two, and I was excited to see how similar everything was.

36 Weeks with Lincoln:
My fundus measurement was barely 30 weeks, so I was measuring 6 weeks behind! I was smaller than my previous appointment because Lincoln had dropped. They did an ultrasound to make sure he was growing and he measured in the 37 percentile and weighed approximately 5lbs 14oz.

With this baby:
My fundus measured 3 weeks behind and was smaller than my previous appointment because baby had dropped. They did an ultrasound to make sure baby is growing good and he was in the 30 percentile and weighed roughly 5lbs 8 oz.

What I find the most interesting is how the "fundus measurement" can be affected by so many different things, especially in the last weeks. Doctor Hermanshati explained that once baby "drops" the measurement becomes completely inaccurate. Even though I measured six weeks behind with Lincoln, he still measured bigger than this baby! Totally fascinating to me.
Also going off of these measurements, Lincoln only gained one pound from 36 weeks to 39 weeks when he was born. With that I can guess that this baby will weigh around the same, maybe slightly more, if I go the entire 40 weeks.

Anyways just wanted to write down all the doctors information.

Sorry no picture this week, but just imagine me wearing my husband's giant shirt, pink silky pajamas pants, and sandals. My hair is messy, bushy and gross. Nothing matches and I look worse than white trash. I even went out in public to get a much needed slurpy from 7-11 because that is what I crave. When I asked Scott if he was embarrassed to be seen with me, he simply said, "I just think you have given up hope these last few weeks". I've definitely given up hope on looking good and have quit attempting. I am what I am.....VERY pregnant.

35 Weeks Pregnant

The last few weeks always become so exciting and full of news as the doctor begins checking dilation and effacement. Even though I hope this baby stays in until his due date, I still feel myself wishing I was progressing.

Today I had my appointment and the doctor did the group B test along with some other tests that were skipped with my last appointments. My fundus measured at 32 weeks, so about three weeks behind. I wasn't concerned because baby has dropped and that can throw off the entire measurement. However, they scheduled me an ultrasound for tomorrow so we will see how baby is growing. I'm not worried at all because the same thing happened with Lincoln, but I measured five weeks behind and Lincoln came out almost seven pounds a week early.

The doctor also checked to see if I had started dilating. I am dilated to a one and 50% effaced. He told me with this progress baby should be here by 38 weeks. I just started laughing because that's what they told me with Lincoln and they had to break my water to get him to come at 39 weeks! Either way I was still super excited to hear that I am dilated and it suddenly feels so real!

As for contractions, I have them whenever I walk at all, even just down the hall. We went to Seattle on Saturday and my stomach was one giant contraction the entire time. Talk about exhausting! Braxton hicks are stressful because I'm always wondering if it is the real thing or just another weak contraction. I hope I know when it is real. My biggest fear is going to the hospital to only get sent home with mild practice contractions.

It was really good to go to my appointment today. It made me nervous and anxious for baby to come. I still have a lot to do, so I need to get off my butt and get to work!

I feel great this week! I have very little pain and as long as I don't sit upright too long, I'm not even uncomfortable. Walking gets quite tiresome and I feel incredibly out of shape. Seriously! I also have gained a lovely 28 pounds and my swollen fingers can no longer wear my wedding ring. My feet are quite swollen too, but thankfully Washington is cold all the time so I'm not a hot mess on top of being pregnant.

Here is my belly! Can you believe I only have a month left? Yikes!